Lesson 3: How to write a great speech

Now that you have learned how to attract attention of people through the first two lessons, the next thing is holding on to the attention. For this you need to be a good speaker and a good speaker can deliver great speeches. So the challenge is how to write a great speech.

Well, people have come up with books and what not but for you guys I will capture the essence of all that in just few , easy to remember rules:

1. While introducing your point beat around the bush. For example if you want to say that - I am here to ask you to read my blog - instead of saying it in plain simple way, Say - "Today as I stand in front of you, in this chilling January cold, with my hand on my keyboard (while the other is busy scratching my back), I am not just entering random words on the screen (that I do in my blog!), I am trying to attract your attention to something that has the power to change the way you think, you work, you perceive life and in fact this something can change your entire life and this is not some kind of a magic medicine that I am talking about. I am talking about my blog - "big daddy's guide to life". So I request each and every one of you to please take time out of your busy schedules and have a look at these sincere words which come straight from my heart."

2. Include thoughts/sentences of great people e.g. Winston Benjamin once famously said that "Whether or not you become great is a matter of chance but whether or not you want to become great is a matter of choice."

Now if you think that remembering lines of great people is a pain, first of all if it is a pain for you it is pain for others as well. So whatever lines and names you remember just say it. (Could you find out when I quoted Winston Benjamin that actually Winston Benjamin is a West Indies Fast Bowler and if you google the quoted line you'd get some results like Princess Bride etc.)

3. Include some stories in your speech so that if people are not interested in your speech at least they will try to listen to the story. It is expected that the story has at least some relation with the message that is supposed to be conveyed through the speech yet you may always innovat e and tell absolutely unrelated story.

4. Always make it a point to criticize the system here in India. Everybody feels that (s)he is not as big a success because of the system or (s)he is a big success despite the system and hence people will readily agree. See you want most of your audience to agree with your point so try first state some obvious points that the audience will surely agree to and once they get into that habit of agreeing pass off your point - at least a few will fall for it.

5. Never miss the audience - talk about them, everyone wants to be talked about so does your audience. Praise the audience (even if it is insincere but be judicious!). Show faith in them - use expressions like "Nothing is impossible for audience like you, its just matter of resolve / you guyz are absolutely wonderful etc."

6. Always end with a question - if possible an interesting one so that the audience will be busy thinking about the answer of the question rather than the poor quality of your speech ( poor quality -thanks to these guidelines), see it is like after an aweful meal if you get a very nice ice cream or a dessert its taste keeps lingering in your mouth and you tend to overlook the aweful meal. e.g. "All said and done - at the end it all depends on the God's will (wish) just like - who will win this year's French open (which depends on the tennis God Roger Federer's wish :-))? (Smart speaker will use a more generic question(like wheather Katrina will marry Salman/whether Vidarbha will ever be a separte state?/Whether KGV's blog will ever become interesting and popular? etc.) instead of French open because not many people are interested in Tennis)

With these 6 points as the six stumps in the ground start your new innings in lecturing! May the force be with you!

Now I Get Your Brother

Ever since I saw the first episode of "How I met your mother" I was very impressed with the character Barny Stinson except for his loose character (see my conventional old fashioned mindset, somehow doesn't approve of his one night stands and all). Robin also, I feel, needs to be a responsible and dignified 'one man woman' like Lilly. And if all the people are 'one man woman or a one woman man' then how can the story of How I met your mother unfold? Well to solve this problem, I decided to awaken the dormant script writer inside me and decided to change the plot and rewrite the entire series myself to make it fit for the Traditional Indian Viewers. So the New serial will be called as "Now I get your Brother"

Please read on for the new plot:

Lilly is Married to Marshall and has common friends Robin and Barney. Marshall and Ted are Brothers (Not Bros). Ted, Robin Marshall, Lilly and Barney are a group of close friends and then comes Alice (if you think "who the fuck is Alice?" then -

Oooo

we don't where she's living

or where she's gonna go,

we guess she's got a reason

and you'd get to know

that in the end she gets married

to Marshall's Ted Bro

She's Alice.. Alice..

She's the protagonist Alice)

Alice wants to marry Ted but Marshall won't let her marry Ted or even let her tell Ted that she loves him and wants to Marry him because Marshall wants Ted to Marry Robin. But over a period of time Ted, who is initially infatuated with Robin, gets to know that Robin is not his kind of a girl. While Robin falls in love with Barney who is too busy running around other girls trying to impress them. Robin being a shy girl, cannot express her love for Barney while Barney thinks that Robin is too hot to fall for him. So the "Barney-Robin" relationship although mutually agreeable doesnt get through. When Alice gets to know of this through her talks with inebriated Barney and Lilly (Lilly tells her about Robin's crush on Barney) she enters into a swap-bet with Marshall that she if she is successful in making Barny marry Robin (without ever telling either of them that the other loves him/her), Marshall will swap Alice for Robin and allow Alice to Marry Ted. Marshall agrees to this bet and tries his best to thwart efforts of Alice who is secretly helped by Lilly. By the way, Lilly is appointed as the swap-bet commissioner by Marshall and Alice. Ted in the meantime changes two professions and starts liking Alice but is told by Marshall that Alice already has a boyfriend. Ted being a gentleman doesn't want to step into Alice's relationship.

To see How exactly this maze of emotions and schemes is broken and how the drama unfolds.. keep reading this blog because Alice wins in the end and she says "Now I get your Brother".

Lesson 2 :Se*! , - It Works!!

Well Its time for the lesson 2 of Bigdaddy's guide to life. This lesson is regarding how to attract attention of general populace (please DONOT confuse general populace with girls, as the author himself still doesn't seem to know how to attract attention of girls yet.) towards your profiles,blogs, webpages etc. The gimmick written about here is an extremely cheap way of getting attention but interestingly seems to work most of the times, even in TV shows, movies or books.

Talk about sex! Have references to or double meaning dialogs hinting at the tabooed three letter word and you'll get a lot of attention! Lets take the case of this very blog.

After three posts and a lot of canvassing , the response to this blog could euphemistically be termed as lukewarm . So , while on my way to Mumbai, I thought about carrying out this experiment of having a vague title hinting at something different!

(Well, I was pretty much tempted to include a description worded "Travels and travails are sometimes necessary in human life as they engender some of the most wonderful thoughts in one's mind. While en route to Mumbai for his pre-joining Medical examination, a similar thing happened with this author. The author, whose mind, many a times suspected to be a devil's workshop because of its supposed emptiness, thought of a wonderful gimmick to increase the traffic on his blog" but then this thought actually occurred to me just now and hardly any reader will be interested in the motive, nature and outcome of my recent visit to Mumbai )

And lesson 2 was christened as "Se*, it works!"

I will be tempted to deduce that almost all of you who earlier chose not to visit my blog, came to this page because of the title of this blog. Many of the readers will tend to confuse the first word with a word that is like a taboo. Even I myself have been (and most probably would be) very sparing in usage of the word and honestly prefer to spell it with an * instead of x.

But here I haven't done so - for this * stands for an e and not for x.

I am tempted to check whether the then famous statement by a then budding (and still budding too) actress Neha Dhupia that only two things sell in Bollywood SRK and SE* applies to the world of blog.

Sex although a very important part of one's life, should, in my opinion, be confined to more intimate surroundings both for discussions as well as otherwise. Although there is a lot of interest in this topic both on the author's as well as readers' side, let this topic be not touched in this blog.

So I really hope that the Title "See! it works" is proved as a misleading title in letter and not in spirit (because it was meant to mislead you into reading this article).

Interested reader might be surprised to know about one of the proposed ways of de-tabooing the word sex - By introducing the usage of this word as the highest order superlative for all the adjectives with positive connotation - which was suggested to Modern English Grammatical Society, in which case the word could be used like good-better-best-sex, funny-funnier-funniest-sex or tall-taller-tallest-sex.

e.g. Today is one of the Sex days of my life!

Mount Everest is the Sex peak in the world etc.

Interested readers even if tempted to use this grammar in comments section are requested to avoid it as this grammar is only proposed and not accepted yet!

So the real Lesson 2 is - although double meaning stuff and sexual connotations tend to be effective, Big Daddy's pupils should try to avoid these unless in an intimate environment. Such discussions are best enjoyed when in company of close friends and not in public.

Notice: The author is busy in writing script of a new parody "Now I get your Brother" and hence there might be some delay in the release of the next lesson. Readers are advised to revise the first two lessons during that time!

Kartik calling Kartik

Well, ever since my childhood I had a keen interest in movies. Not exactly in watching movies but in acting. My research work on human behavior through prolonged verbal interactions with Indian males from across the country kept me busy and hence the Hindi film industry was robbed off another struggling actor. Yet I am a decent fan of good hindi movies.

One thing always used to rankle me - never ever did in a movie a hero, leave alone a hero any character had the name Kartik. (Technically that still remains to be the case) Finally some three four days back I saw this trailor of a new movie Karthik calling Karthik. As much as I got excited about watching the movie with Karthik as both hero and villain (I presume the other Karthik in the movie is a villain) the plot somehow seemed to have settled in my mind.

And I came up with this- a poetic conversation with kartik the bold blogger (on right below) and kartik the cold reader (on left above).

Kartik calling Kartik

Dude KGV next time when you blog

remember people dont like to slog

such a ridiculously long post

someday even the websites wont host

Hey man read my rules first

I am not here to quench thirst

thirst for fame or thirst for name

I dont care even if you also blame

Why publish if people cann't read

why have a pet that you cann't feed?

Life is not all about success and greed

I blog because I like blogging in deed

You must have read my 'success mantras'

The post was popular like Nagpur Santras

When I tried reading the Lesson one

till the first few lines it was surely fun

then I woke up and started again

it felt as if it was duranto train

on and on.. with no signs of a stop

no new embarkers and same old cops

Duranto is fast it is better than the rest

If you have the patience its perhaps the best

are we talking about the blog or the train?

I dont mind anything lets talk about brain drain..

Dude you just waste time yours and mine

your literary success already died with NINE*

now if you want success with each of your post

write tiny little tidbits like a good blog host

Ten sentences per para and four paragraphs in all

use simple words n phrases; fontsize should be small

Nobody has the patience and no-one has any time

when epics are being shortened, long blog is a crime

I know those who love my style will always stick

whether I write nonsense or 'kartik calling kartik'

Your blog and your style, I just told you a trick

sweet short and powerful advices kartik calling -kartik

(*NINE - NINE is an acronym for NITIE IP NEWS EXCLUSIVE a moderately popular periodical published under the leadership of the author in his post graduate days. The author had to shut the periodical down as both his editorial team mates resigned after getting offers to work with a leading bank, and author by himself was hardly effective.)

It remains to be seen which Kartik ends up convincing the other one, but for the time being both the Kartiks are awaiting release of the movie "Karthik calling Karthik". Not because the name of the movie but to see 'Shonali Mukherjee - Deepika Padukone'.

Lesson 1: How to pretend to be successful!

As this blog is titled "Guide to life" it becomes imperative that the author includes at least some lessons or at worst has a didactic tone ,which, by the way, comes naturally to the author so should not be a problem . So here's the first lesson - How to pretend to be successful in life.

Well, the author himself doesn't know how to be successful in life, had he known he would have been working towards it or would already have been successful by now, in either of the cases he probably won't have written this blog.

Now, why does one need to pretend to be successful? Well, even the author doesn't quite understand why but as they say, you are the perception that the world has of you (If nobody has already taken credit for this/such a quote, I shall like to take it). So people want to show to the world that they are successful , maybe they want the world to be jealous of them or whatever, but yes the fact is that it is in vogue to pretend that one is successful irrespective of the fact whether one actually is.

So, here come the easy to follow and extremely effective rules which will help you successfully pretend to be successful no matter how big a failure you think you are. The results may vary case by case but success or a perception of it is guaranteed:

1. If you are logged into a chat program, always keep your status as busy. If somebody pings, DONOT reply immediately, in fact don't reply 3 out of 4 times and whenever you do - use a lot of short forms, try to show the other person how jobless he is whereas you are so busy in your rocket science research. Try to make the other person feel guilty of having pinged you.

Please find a typical conversation between a successful person and a jobless fellow:

KGV (Jobless fellow) : Hey "Pretending to be a successful person (referred to as PTBSP henceforth)"

sent at 20:55 PM on Wednesday

KGV: You Thr?

sent at 21:25 PM on Wednesday

PTBSP: wht?

KGV: Where are you these days?

KGV: Long time no see... how is life?

PTBSP: ya dude.. had been busy last few weeks..

KGV: Do you still work with ARHPCFW? (Awesome Rocking High Paying Company with Fantastic Work)

sent at 22:05 PM on Wednesday

KGV: ??

sent at 22:25 PM on Wednesday

PTBSP: I left them... now I work with EMARHPC (Even More Awesome, Rocking , Higher Paying Company)

KGV: Kab se?

Chat has been disabled ... reconnecting in 29 sec

The fact of the matter most of the time will be that PTBSP will be busy watching some sitcom, chatting to unknown ,pretending to be female chatter, playing minesweeper or maybe even sleeping as you sincerely try to strike a good conversation. Yet PTBSP is successful in showi

ng off that how successful, busy and preoccupied he is while you are just a jobless jerk who keeps disturbing the successful people.

2. Whenever someone calls you up never answer the phone in two or three rings. Rejecting the call works even better. But the best way is to pick up the call then ask who it is (even if you have the number stored, this makes the caller feel even more unimportant and you more important.) and tell I'll call you back. Never call back in the next 3 hours. Never calling at all will make the other person think that you are too successful to be in touch which will reduce your overall success perception score!

3. While you are talking to the other person try your best to confuse or even misguide, the listener by using as much jargon as possible. Your motto should not be to express and communicate , it should rather be to impress and befuddle.

E.g. If you want to say that shares of telephone companies may fall as all the service providers are slashing tariffs , say with the ARPUs dwindling due to the intense price war like a pack of cards in a storm (Who cares if the simile is correct ! Remember you don't really need to communicate you just need to impress) I see the scrips of front line telcos tanking in the next series.

Warning!!

Don't use extremely high level language like - Pulchritude possesses purely cutaneous profundity. ( Beauty is only skin deep). This is because even if it is grammatically and otherwise correct people will fail to understand it and may brand it as "Gyan". It is an observed tendency to brand anything that one is not able to understand or finds high level as "Gyan" and "Gyan" is considered as good for nothing and a tool used by unsuccessful losers.

The challenge is to confuse people without completely blanking them out.

4. When in a conversation, never be a patient listener. If the other person is taking some time to come to the point, ask point blank - please come to the point fast. Remember a PTBSP is always short on time. If at all the other person is able to express his point, ask sarcastically is it over? And smile mockingly. This shows that you are very confident of your conversational abilities and the other person is not and the reason behind this is obviously your success!

5. Whenever you visit a place which is famous (definition : famous place is where people will want to go after seeing your photo, it is not necessary for the place to be well known. It is successful people like you who make the place famous) or picturesque (even if it isn't, remember you with your style and sunglasses make it picturesque), without fail click a photograph and post it on Orkut/Facebook/Twitter/Any other website where people get updates of your recent uploads. Mention the caption as "Rocking life / Enjoying to the fullest/ any other caption which will imply that I am successful and happy you bloody sucker you don't know how to live (which by the way is just like the intention of the author behind creating this blog :D)"

E.G.

The Rocking 2nd ODI Ind Vs Aus @ Nagpur

6. Always make it a point to offer advice to people especially with regards to their behaviour. Ask people to talk less or more or point out some mistakes in their pronunciation, or tell them how they can become more successful if they mend some of their ways of behaviour. The best time to do this is when people are down having faced slings and arrows of misfortune.

7. Always exaggerate when it comes to your achievements and question the authenticity of others'. Even if you pass a driving test conducted by your regional transport office before granting you a driving licence, proclaim that "RTO conquered in first attempt" or if your blood group is A+ve keep your gtalk message as "A+ yet again!" if someone asks which test , proudly tell blood test.

8. Use the seven rules mentioned above regularly without someone else coming to know of it and if someone finds it out and confronts you - say that "KGV is a big lukkha.. he doesn't have anything worthwhile to do, so he bloody rants on in his blog. I did not know that you are such a big loser that you actually read it. I will teach you how to be successful in life and tell him stories about hard work and perseverance. "

These 8 rules will help you pretend to be successful in life. But the author advices all the readers to someday give up these pretensions and firms believes that if you keep reading this blog regularly at least either the author or the reader will be successful.

This blog is not for you if...

About the Author: This author has had his fair share of success as an unpopular editor of a widely read yet hated periodical named NINE in his post graduate days. The author, over a period of time, has developed mastery over the tact of using at least three times as many words as compared to the number of words required to express something. The tact although difficult to develop has been mastered by the author through consistent practice both in speech and in the written word. Author's sense of humor although, questioned for its very existence by a majority of the mankind has some serious fans. Author specializes in making divisive speeches, hate accounts, critical analyses and misquoting facts. Author's interest in creative writing is zilch and he uses it just as a probable tool to make money in future through ads. The author is shameless enough to urge all the readers of his blog to click on the ads that are displayed in the blog area. Despite all the shortcomings, the writings of the author can be addictive and the general public is adviced to monitor and control its exposure to views and opinions (if any) expressed in this blog. This blog is supposed to be nothing more than a dump for high end spiritualistic and social gyan which is good for nothing. So read at your own risk!

As I don't know for exactly which segment of readers this blog is, I think I must tell at the outset who this blog is not for. This way one can save a lot of one's precious time. I don't know whether your time is really precious if you choose to read what I am going to publish. Nevertheless , please ensure that you don't belong to any of the following classes , before you embark on this roller coaster ,roller coaster -as the quality of this blog is liable to detariorate and suddenly improve intermittently over a period of time, ride.

This blog is not for you if:

1. You think that you are a better writer than the author. If you really think so then better concentrate on your own blog and make a name for yourself, don't waste time here reading substandard stuff.
2. You think that the author should care for your opinion and/or your patience. This author has a proven track record of exceeding all expectations, especially in terms of lenghts of speech, writings so don't expect the blog posts to be short and sweet.
3. You think that you'd get something to learn by reading this blog. This blog is written for the pleasure of the author and not with the readers in mind. If the readers are pleased in the process it is great, if not at least someone is happy!
4. You expect the blog to be updated regularly. The author is not a jobless 'Lukkha' like you who has nothing to do except reading useless blogs. Author is often busy thinking about ways to improve the lives of the billions of people who constitute the mankind and very seldom gets the time to express his opinion so don't be surprised if the next post doesn't get published till diwali.
5. You are well settled person in life. If you really are well settled in your life then bloody go and enjoy it. Why the hell waste time here reading non-sensical stuff.
6. You think that the author should stop all his literary activities and concentrate on something important in life. The author already has vast experiance in wasting time (Author has wasted around 10 years of his life indulging in unproductive activities till date) and he is just leveraging his core competancies. You have no right to try to change the ways of the author. The author is an adult who deserves to live his life his way.
7. You are someone who will just read the blog and not comment on it. The author, despite being an aggressive speaker and an extremely poor listener, believes in dialog in principle. Author hates passive attitude when it comes to important things in life. As this blog is an important thing in life, the author expects you to express your critical views, differneces in opinions and remarks offering support and encouragement freely. Those found guilty of just passively reading the posts and not clicking on ads and/or commenting run the risk of being debarred from having access to this prophetic prophecies by the author.

The list of this rules is liable to change from time to time without any prior notice. Readers are expected to be mature and expressive. No queries about personal life of the author including proposals for matrimony will be entertained on the blog.

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Till the next time .. rememeber these rules!